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My guest for Episode #299 of the My Favorite Mistake podcast is Luis Velasquez, an executive coach in Silicon Valley and a Stanford Graduate School of Business facilitator. He's also the founder of Velas Consulting.
Once a university professor and research scientist, Luis helps mid-level managers to C-suite executives around the world learn, adapt, grow, and thrive by helping them how to reframe their challenges and take the most beneficial next step.
His new book, available now, is Ordinary Resilience: Rethinking How Effective Leaders Adapt And Thrive.
Luis is a contributor to Harvard Business Review and Fast Company, and was featured in best-selling author Dorie Clark’s book, The Long Game. An avid endurance athlete, he runs marathons, ultra marathons, and ironman triathlons.
In today's episode, Luis shares his journey from being a university professor and research scientist to becoming a trusted leadership coach in Silicon Valley and a facilitator for the Stanford Graduate School of Business. Luis discusses his new book, Ordinary Resilience: Rethinking How Effective Leaders Adapt and Thrive, and outlines his unique resilience formula—commitment plus persistence multiplied by optimism. He explains that resilience isn't about bouncing back but about unlocking the inherent ability to adapt and thrive by continuously reframing challenges and learning from experiences.
Luis also opens up about a significant mistake in his coaching career. He recounts a time when he delivered 360-degree feedback in a way that was too direct and decontextualized, which led a client to become defensive and ultimately resulted in his contract being terminated. This experience taught him the importance of providing feedback within the context of an individual’s aspirations and personal growth, rather than simply relaying raw perceptions.
The conversation further explores his approach to transforming challenging personalities—like the so-called “brilliant jerks”—into effective leaders, and how embracing and learning from mistakes is key to unlocking resilience and driving both personal and professional growth.
Questions and Topics:
- How long is an ultramarathon compared to a standard 26.1-mile marathon?
- Given your diverse career, what is your favorite mistake—and what did you learn from it?
- Should we express our degree of certainty when stating facts?
- How do you define resilience in leadership?
- How do you identify and connect with high-value, challenging employees—is it via referrals or direct outreach?
- How often do you coach not only the “brilliant jerk” but also intervene with their teams?
- What role does fear play as a catalyst for growth—is it simply about reframing it?
- Have you observed leaders effectively fostering optimism among their teams?
- What does “embrace the suck” mean to you, and why is it a pivotal concept in your book?
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- Full transcript
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Automated Transcript (May Contain Mistakes):
Mark Graban:
Hi, welcome to My Favorite Mistake. I'm your host, Mark Graban. Our guest today is Luis Velasquez, an executive coach in Silicon Valley and a facilitator for the Stanford Graduate School of Business. Once a university professor and research scientist, Luis helps mid-level managers to C-suite executives around the world learn, adapt, grow, and thrive by helping them reframe their challenges and take the most beneficial next steps. His new book—actually available now—is titled Ordinary: Rethinking How Effective Leaders Adapt and Thrive.
Mark Graban:
So Luis is also a contributor to Harvard Business Review and Fast Company and was featured in bestselling author Dorie Clark's book The Long Game. And then this is going to make me feel very lazy reading this, but good for Luis. He's an avid endurance athlete. He runs marathons, ultramarathons, and Ironman triathlons. So, Luis, thank you for being here, and I'm glad you have some energy to also do this.
Luis Velasquez:
Well, thank you so much. My wife tells me, “Go exercise because you're a better husband when you're tired.” So I had a really good workout this morning, so I'm ready to go. Thank you for having me.
Mark Graban:
Yeah, it's great to have you here. How long is an ultramarathon compared to the normal 26.1?
Luis Velasquez:
An ultramarathon is anything longer than 26.2 miles. So the most common is 50K—which is 31 miles—and then it goes to 50 miler, 100K, 100 miles, and sometimes even longer than that. You know, my longest run is 105 miles. Wow.
Mark Graban:
Wow. See, you can tell I am not into this world because I got the distance wrong. I mean, if I could run 26.1—which I doubt—I'd like to think I could make the final point, get the full actual marathon.
Luis Velasquez:
It’s very interesting how you say that because my longest run for a 100-mile race is three miles. So if I can run 30 miles, I know that I can complete 100 miles.
Mark Graban:
That seems like that's just showing off.
Luis Velasquez:
You don't have to run the entire thing in order to be able to. You know, it's about preparation. It's about—because the first three miles are physical—the rest is just mental. It's just mental.
Mark Graban:
And it probably does, in all seriousness, require a lot of resilience. So we will come back and talk about that topic and your book, Ordinary: Resilience. But first, as we always do, Luis, I'm curious—because of all the different things you've done in your career—what's your favorite mistake?
Luis Velasquez:
My favorite mistake is the one that I keep making—knowing that I think I know something and then being proven wrong. Just recently, it happened. My daughter asked me how many people are in the world, and I literally, confidently told her, “Oh, it's about, you know, about 5 million, 6 million,” because it was true. When I learned a couple of days later, she said, “Daddy, you're wrong. It's not that—it's almost 10 million now.” And I'm like, “Whoa.”
Luis Velasquez:
So that's my favorite mistake. But I do want to tell you a specific instance where this one really had some very significant consequences. I was coaching for a company in Silicon Valley and was giving a particular individual his 360 feedback—getting feedback from a bunch of people and then delivering that to him. My idea was, “I know what I need to do. I just need to tell him exactly how others are feeling and how others are actually seeing him—their perception of him.” Because that's how I learned, that's how I did it, that's how I assumed I was going to do it. So I went ahead, and it didn't go well. It didn't go well because he became very defensive.
Luis Velasquez:
Immediately, he got up and said, “You have disrespected me; I'm done.” And that's it. Two days later, I got an email from the HR group for the company, and they decided to terminate my contract because they told me that I had disrespected this individual. It was very hard for me.
Luis Velasquez:
The realization was that I came in with the idea that I knew what to do—that I knew how to deliver this—and as a result, I started trying to figure out how I could do it better. What I learned is that I need to provide feedback in context. What I mean by that is that now I ask, “What do you want to know? What do you want to be known for?”—trying to understand what their aspirations are and then delivering the feedback in that context, rather than just telling them, “Hey, listen, this is what people think of you,” because then they become defensive.
Mark Graban:
In coaching, that’s a different way.
Luis Velasquez:
Yes, but also for specific individuals. I now coach individuals who are highly valuable in organizations—sometimes organizations literally cannot afford to lose them—but who are difficult to work with, like bullies, toxic leaders, micromanagers, etc. I learned to do this as a result of that mistake I made.
Mark Graban:
And thinking back to the way you set that up—of thinking you knew, being confidently wrong about something—it makes me think. The textbook definition of a mistake, that I usually fall back on, is that a mistake is an action or a decision that turns out to be incorrect. I think by definition, in the moment, if we're doing something or saying something, we don't label it as a mistake unless we preface it. You know, maybe we preface our statement with something like, “Well, I could be wrong,” or “I could…”
Mark Graban:
Maybe it’s helpful to state our degree of certainty around something?
Luis Velasquez:
The way I see it, no matter how expert you are in any field, there is no way we can know everything about that particular field unless we accept that there is a lot we don't know—rather than saying, “This is what I know,” as opposed to “I know what I'm doing.”
Mark Graban:
I think people get in trouble when…
Luis Velasquez:
Yeah.
Mark Graban:
…when they lose sight of our domains—professionally or personally—where we know things. Then some people get in trouble when they think that means they know everything or they can’t be challenged.
Luis Velasquez:
Absolutely. I call that the curse of knowledge.
Mark Graban:
The curse of knowledge.
Luis Velasquez:
Yeah.
Mark Graban:
Or the curse of excellence—where you've achieved in one domain and therefore believe you're destined to be successful everywhere. And that's where it gets tough.
Mark Graban:
Or maybe you end up coaching entrepreneurs who have trouble finding their second success.
Luis Velasquez:
Yeah, yeah, that's true. Simply because once people reach a certain level—this happens with experts—they suddenly forget what it's like to be a beginner. A beginner is always learning. And the reality is, the world and technology are moving so fast that there's absolutely no way we can know everything.
Luis Velasquez:
Yeah.
Mark Graban:
I think it's healthy to recognize that. I want to ask another question: As you mentioned, regarding those highly valuable employees who are difficult to work with, how do you find them? Is it more a matter of the person's manager finding you, or how do you make that connection?
Luis Velasquez:
Right now, I’m very grateful that people have recognized what I do, and now I have people reaching out for that particular reason. There’s a company that calls me when they have a “brilliant jerk” on their team.
Mark Graban:
A brilliant jerk?
Luis Velasquez:
Yeah, I call them brilliant and misunderstood because that’s what usually happens. They are misunderstood; they have great intentions, but they don't know how to approach people. Cases vary from different perspectives.
Luis Velasquez:
Some of them are very passionate about what they do, and that passion is sometimes misunderstood. So, to answer your question: right now, it's word of mouth. People recognize what I do, and then they send me their clients—their people whom they feel fall into that category.
Luis Velasquez:
Yeah.
Mark Graban:
I can picture people from different companies networking, having a drink, or talking in the neighborhood, and somebody complains about their brilliant jerk. Then someone says, “Hey, Luis, I know someone who can help.”
Luis Velasquez:
Yes, believe it or not, some of the big names I've worked with have come from referrals from other coaches or friends who don’t want to handle that individual themselves. They say, “Wow, I know Luis. How do you deal with that?” And I say, “We don't wake up every day intending to be jerks. Most of us just lack awareness or motivation to change.”
Luis Velasquez:
There's a particular group I want to coach: those who are intentionally hurting others.
Mark Graban:
Sure.
Luis Velasquez:
So most people don't want to be toxic leaders, but there is a small minority that do. I even had to let two go because of that.
Mark Graban:
And when you talk about coaching not just the “brilliant jerk” but also intervening with their teams—perhaps because the issue isn't just with the individual, but also involves a leader who doesn't like being challenged—how often do you find yourself working with the whole team?
Luis Velasquez:
A lot of the coaching I do is with teams—dysfunctional teams, for lack of a better term—and that usually involves one or two individuals who are driving that dysfunction. When I'm coaching one individual, I also coach their direct reports, the people affected by their behavior. I need to prepare them to recognize and respond when similar situations arise. Even if you have great one-on-one conversations with someone, if nobody notices the changes, it doesn’t matter.
Luis Velasquez:
Often, people experience the change but won’t notice it unless prompted.
Mark Graban:
I guess maybe they're just so used to it that they're happy with the change and beyond noticing it.
Luis Velasquez:
They will notice it—once someone prompts them and says, “Remember when you mentioned this?” then they begin to see it.
Luis Velasquez:
Our guest today again, Luis Velasquez. The book is Ordinary: Resilience—Rethinking How Effective Leaders Adapt and Thrive. I'd love to dive into that topic a little. I like definitions. A mistake is a word we all know, but I think defining a word like resilience is helpful. We hear it a lot—especially in business these days. Do we all work off the same definition? How do you define resilience?
Luis Velasquez:
My definition of resilience is a bit odd. Often, resilience is described as the ability to bounce back—that’s the outcome. But what happens in that moment, how do you build resilience? For me, resilience is about three things, and I have a formula: commitment plus persistence times optimism. Optimism is the multiplier—if you have zero optimism, there is no resilience. That's what happens. The outcome is adaptation, which then allows you to bounce back. In my view, resilience is what happens in the moment: when we're committed, persistent, and optimistic, we adapt so we can bounce back and thrive.
Mark Graban:
And that formula is right on the back cover of the book. There's a lot to unpack there. When you're coaching people, you look for what might be missing in that equation. For example, if there's zero optimism, regardless of how committed or persistent someone is, they lack resilience. How often do you find that—someone who has lost their optimism, perhaps due to their job or environment?
Luis Velasquez:
I’ve found that most people can put the pieces in place, but they need to reframe things. The idea is that we already have resilience within us—it’s not about building it, but unlocking it. Part of that unlocking process is being intentional. For instance, people are committed—to their spouses, families, education—so they have that drive. What they need is to apply that same commitment to whatever challenge they’re facing. But commitment and persistence alone, without optimism, can lead to burnout.
Mark Graban:
Right.
Luis Velasquez:
I've seen plenty of people who are committed and persistent, yet they lack the optimism that propels them forward.
Mark Graban:
That makes me wonder about resilience in general. We often label some people as naturally resilient, but could it be situational? For instance, if an otherwise resilient or optimistic person loses faith in their company, shouldn’t we consider that they might simply be in the wrong environment, and that their resilience could shine in a different setting?
Luis Velasquez:
Absolutely. Commitment, persistence, and optimism are intrinsic. Tying your resilience solely to a company means putting all your eggs in a basket you can’t control. I’ve seen many individuals feel stuck because their company isn’t providing what they need. In those cases, it's about focusing on what you can learn to prepare yourself for the next step in your career. In doing so, you add value to your current organization, but more importantly, you grow personally.
Luis Velasquez:
It's not about the company—it's about you: growing as a leader, manager, doctor, etc. When you tie your success solely to an organization, you're setting yourself up for disappointment.
Mark Graban:
One common complaint in healthcare, for example, is physician or caregiver burnout. Some physicians feel that when an organization sends them to resiliency training, it’s like they’re being blamed for being burned out. Do you see that framing as a mistake organizations make?
Luis Velasquez:
Yes, I do. Framing it that way implies there's something wrong with you—that you're not strong enough and need to get stronger. I often ask, “How can organizations truly help people become resilient?” The answer is multifaceted: leaders must model the way, foster a sense of camaraderie and community, and create an environment where making mistakes is acceptable—mistakes from which you can learn. In healthcare, where making mistakes can be very costly, it's vital to build a community where decisions are shared.
Mark Graban:
I don't need to explain this to you—and certainly not to her, my wife, who is a doctor.
Luis Velasquez:
True. But in healthcare, there's a drive for patient satisfaction and well-being that sometimes comes at the cost of the caregivers' well-being—doctors and nurses, especially.
Mark Graban:
We need to figure out how to keep everyone engaged without sacrificing quality for cost. Looking back at your formula, it seems that many in healthcare lose their optimism. It’s not that they lack resilience; they’re just in the wrong environment.
Luis Velasquez:
Exactly.
Mark Graban:
That brings up an interesting point: have you seen leaders who can help their teams regain optimism—maybe by demonstrating small, incremental improvements?
Luis Velasquez:
I have. There was one leader who kept losing team members, but he was happy about it because he was creating leaders. People who left often went on to add tremendous value elsewhere, sometimes even within the same company. That's one way of looking at it. Also, employee engagement research shows that the relationship between employees and their managers is a key driver. When a manager supports, promotes, and advocates for people, those people become more committed to the team.
Luis Velasquez:
I've seen individuals stay on precisely because they’re so committed to their manager and team.
Mark Graban:
I’ve also heard people say they left because of “culture”—usually referring to their direct manager.
Luis Velasquez:
Absolutely. And to be honest, I've seen many stressed teams where people confuse pressure (which is always present) with stress, which comes from the way pressure is managed. Managers play a crucial role in how their teams perceive and handle that pressure.
Luis Velasquez:
Now, shifting to another topic—fear as a catalyst for growth. What do you see as the role of fear? Is it merely about reframing fear, or is there more to it?
Mark Graban:
Is it simply a matter of reframing fear?
Luis Velasquez:
It’s absolutely about reframing fear. For me, it's not about being fearless; it's about fearing less. Many say you have to step outside your comfort zone, but I believe it's more about expanding your comfort zone gradually. Identify the one thing you’re afraid of, then tackle it in the safest way possible to start expanding your comfort zone. Resilience isn’t an overnight success—it's a process.
Luis Velasquez:
We're human, and we have adapted over thousands of years. Those adaptations didn’t come easily or quickly. I often joke that, thanks to Amazon, we expect things like same-day delivery—but resilience takes time.
Mark Graban:
Speaking of which, I love the phrase “embrace the suck.” I recall a story about former Northwestern football coach Pat Fitzgerald, who used that expression in a press conference. What does “embrace the suck” mean to you, and why is it significant enough to merit a chapter in your book?
Luis Velasquez:
Often, when people are in situations they don’t like, they dream about solutions and what needs to change. But the key for me is realizing that wherever you are is exactly where you need to be at that moment. For example, I once had a brain tumor. I was a professor of fungal genetics at Michigan State University, married to a wonderful woman—I had it all. Then suddenly, everything changed. I kept comparing myself to who I used to be, and that held me back. It wasn’t until I accepted, “This is who I am now—tumor included,” and even gave my tumor a funny name, that I could move forward. It’s about accepting your current state as your starting point and then figuring out what you can do from here.
Mark Graban:
That acceptance is the first step of effective problem-solving—acknowledging the current state instead of denying problems. It reminds me of a Toyota expression: “No problems is a problem.” We can always improve.
Luis Velasquez:
Correct.
Mark Graban:
I appreciate that reminder. It’s about focusing on what’s within our control and not wasting energy on what isn’t.
Luis Velasquez:
Exactly. Often, people feel burned out because they focus on what they can’t control. When we reframe that and focus on making progress in the areas we can, that’s when change happens.
Luis Velasquez:
Even small progress can be the spark that pushes us forward.
Mark Graban:
Well, I think that's a great note to end on. Once again, our guest today is Luis Velasquez. His book is Ordinary: Resilience—Rethinking How Effective Leaders Adapt and Thrive. Thank you again, Luis, for sharing your insights and the gift of your book.
Mark Graban:
I hope everyone will check it out. Please see the show notes for more details about Luis. Thank you for being a great guest.
Luis Velasquez:
Thank you so much. I must say, you ask very insightful questions, and I appreciate you having me here.
Mark Graban:
Thank you.
Actionable Takeaways from the Episode
Reframe Mistakes as Learning Opportunities:
Luis Velasquez shared a significant coaching mistake he made by assuming how to deliver feedback without context, which was met with defensiveness. He learned the importance of understanding an individual's aspirations before providing feedback. Listeners should take this as a cue to always consider context and seek to understand others' perspectives in their professional and personal interactions.
Unlock Existing Resilience:
According to Luis, resilience is not something to “build from scratch” but to unlock from within by committing, persisting, and maintaining optimism. He suggests viewing resilience as the ability to adapt and thrive amidst challenges. Listeners can apply this by identifying areas in their lives where commitment and persistence are strong but may be lacking optimism, and actively work to cultivate a more positive outlook.
Focus on What You Can Control:
A recurring theme in the conversation was the emphasis on controlling the controllable and acknowledging our current state without accepting it indefinitely. Mark emphasized that acknowledging problems is the first step in problem-solving, while Luis suggested focusing on attainable progress to drive forward momentum. Listeners can implement this by identifying small, actionable steps they can take towards improvement, rather than getting overwhelmed by elements outside their control.